i'm not disappointed, i'm just mad

I'm trying to decide what I have more of - the will to clean dishes or the dignity of not drinking out of a candle jar.

Remember the movie with the guy who ate nothing but fast food for a month to prove how bad it is for you?

I’ve been doing that for years with absolutely no ulterior motive. So who’s the real hero?

Who ate all my silica packets?!

Please listen carefully as our menu items have changed. Pressing any key at all will result in the random and gruesome death of a complete stranger. Here we go.

I assume all other Kate's on here are an extension of myself.

Kind of like main character syndrome, but a Kate Complex

Instructor: 'Welcome to salsa class! Who's ready to learn how to dance?'

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: 'There's been a misunderstanding.'

Sorry but You look like the kind of person who jogs for fun and I just don't need that in my life

Did you ever notice that “pigeon” has the word “pig” in it?

Them: you didn’t watch Pearl Harbor?

Me: I don’t like war movies.

Them: it’s a love story.

Me: gross. That’s even worse.

When I walk into my butchers shop with a 55 gal drum and cash.

So, it's Tuesday
what a day
let's eat pizza

Poetry is easy

Sex is great and all but have you ever slept through the whole night without having to go pee?

My birthstone is a chunk of sharp cheddar cheese

We’re living in a Black Mirror episode but most people won’t realize it until the credits roll.

Hey, girl. Can I offer you a cheap thrill behind the Casey’s General Store?

i'm like if a person with suppressed rage issues bought a lot of crop tops

sorry i’m late…i was trying to find my will to live

Hey baby. Do you wanna take turns putting random items in a hydraulic press?

My former lover describes his beloved: 'She's amazing in a hundred different ways.' My guy describes me: 'Chatty.'