swm seeking relationship that can be maintained strictly via text except for occasional in-person sex. no weirdos

Studio Apartment Available:
- Pet-friendly
- Located next to bridge
- No strings attached

I miss $20 concert tickets and $10 band tees.

Dogs are like “Yes, I would like you to throw the tennis ball again but I refuse to allow you to remove it from my mouth so you see my dilemma here, right?”

I can't wait for the day when I start hallucinating for no reason.

IN CASE OF FIRE:

1) If someone is on fire, punch them in the face.

2) Cop a feel off the person behind you, as these might be your last minutes on Earth.

3) Squeeze the junk of the person in front of you. It'll slow them down, allowing you to move ahead of them.

4) Exit.

We all need something to look forward to, which is why I order things online.

I have a rare evolutionary trait that allows me to get sunburned in ten minutes, shed my damaged lobster skin the next day, and emerge even more blindingly white than before

you’d be smiling too if you were immortal

Doris didn't care if this really was the hottest fashion trend in Paris, she thought the hat looked silly.

I'll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

I’m just gonna say it, Chilis tortilla chips taste like fried divorce papers.

Buying clothes in my 20s: I can go out to the club in this

Buying clothes in my 40s: I can walk the dog in this

“What news do you bring me from over the mountains, my little friend?”

“There is a great storm coming, you should find shelter soon. Also, I saw hunters camped in the valley.”

“Anything else?”

“Your mother wants to know if you’re eating enough. She says she worries about you.”

I'm 'don't flash your headlights at someone who doesn't have theirs on bc they will come and kill you' years old.

My grass might not be greener, but my flowers are prettier.

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

Young enough to play video games
Old enough to feel arthritis from it

“Excuse me, waiter?”
“Yes sir, is there a problem?”
“I asked for my pasta al dente.”
“Was it prepared incorrectly?”
“I’m afraid it’s a little Chewie.”

Steinbeck: Furious Pears?
Publisher: Meh
Steinbeck: Miffed Mangos?
Publisher: Too Stan Lee
Steinbeck: Irate Tomatoes?
Publisher: Are those even fruit?
Steinbeck: Technically
Publisher: Still no
Steinbeck: The… Grapes of Wrath!
Publisher: …
Steinbeck: …
Publisher: *finger guns*