My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it's right there

Bryan Adams' 'Summer of '69' is my favourite song that I don't think is about 1969

Fuck flowers, bring her a KFC bucket.

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

After all these years, I have to admit, ''Potato dance'' wasn't a particularly cool personal dance move name after all

Figuring out if a tweet/post is for you is the best part of your day

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

Tried to learn to twerk and broke my hip.

Liking me is probably a red flag.

Imma continue being useless so nobody can use me

My girlfriend likes to ask me what I want for dinner, but I rarely get the answer right

Boss is off today so that means I’ll be driving the forklift to the strip club at lunch

I went to an interview once and the guy asked me what I could “bring to the table” and I said potato chips

let’s drive into the middle of nowhere with the music turned up

Nothing says due diligence like checking your kid for a fever with all 26 thermometers you own.

She's got such a nice ass, be nice to her.

She's me.

Every woman's love language revolves around not needing to ask.

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

(Falling asleep)

My body: hey let's play whac-a-mole except with an itch

Not to brag but most of my bad decisions were made when completely sober