I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

This entire day could've been an email.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

I’ll never forget the day OJ Simpson received his verdict. It was the same day my child was born and my father in law rushed in my hospital room past my newborn shouting THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER 😩

“Mommy, I accidentally had an accident… on the floor”

And other things they left out of parenting books

Those free shots they give you at the Mexican drive through are so spicy and don't even have any alcohol

I love how the circular photos of my colon look like shiny, new agate marbles.

Every tattoo tells a story. Like your wolf tattoo tells a story about missed child support payments

People dropping car selfies are really flexin’ on city folks

Karen at KFC… or Whiner, whiner, chicken diner.

My inner circle just includes me and all the voices in my head.

My skill set is fine. It’s my will set that’s lacking.

can't wait to see who'll die today!

I think it’s a rule of physics that when you’re waiting on reply, every unimportant app on your phone will send a notification.

I wish there was a Shazam for bird calls

Feeling light and happy this fine Friday
so obviously it’s time to be irresponsible
and make terrible decisions.

C’mere.

Went outside and it's still not Communist. If it wasn't for the Masters, this weekend would totally be ruined

More stories about stone fruits, please.

What? He was trying a Tina Turner thing for a minute.

My hump, my hump,
my hump, my hump 🎶

- hunchback flirting