When I throw a party I don't leave out a Sharpie for my guests to write their names on their plastic cups. 'Just grab a fresh Solo,' I entreat. They are clearly impressed.

Lesser-known Aesop's fables include The Cuttlefish and The Abalone, The Litigious Mongoose, and the one where the hare gets revenge on the tortoise by foreclosing on his shell.

The Tuba of Mockery™ needs to be stationed outside trump's courtroom to be ready whenever he walks. #TrumpSmellsLikeAss #TrumpStinks

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

Rare that a 12 round fight with only 499 punches thrown by both fighters can be exciting, but that was the case with #HaneyGarcias .

If she worked at Walmart, they'd just try to keep her busy color sorting the pool noodles.

Not a good night for Devin Haney & not a good one for Referee Harvey Dock. He impulsively took a point away from Garcia for hitting on break & NEVER took one away from Haney for holding (which partially caused Garcia's foul). And, I don't know any other way to put this, Dock

Garcia hit Haney so hard he changed his damn voice. WTF.

Probably the weirdest fight I have ever seen.

Had a feeling. Just saying . #GarciaVsHaney

Terrible.

McComb beat Barboza from
post to post and had the grace to clap for the guy whose ass he just beat. #BarbozaMcComb Class.

A Texas man has sued Cinemark theaters, claiming their 24-ounce beer cups can only hold 22 ounces. Someday, his kids will discuss this lawsuit in the context of their unsuccessful romantic relationships. fox4news.com/news/cinemark-…

It’s crazy how many right-wing grifters on this platform:
1. Fail at comedy
2. Grow a following by resharing other people’s content and posting lazy political hot takes
3. Describe themselves as “comedian”

Anyone seen the commercial for The Good Feet Store where the lady, in her sixties, dances in her kitchen? I’m bothered and I need to get it off my chest.

Check out my new cookery book you guys. It's called 'Fuck It, Get Takeout' and it's just 300 blank pages that you can tear out to use as napkins.

we didn’t have helicopter moms back in the day. we ran wild in the neighborhood. a bunch of us jumped over the boardwalk railing onto the beach 10’ below & one kid broke his leg in the fall & we all just ran away we were 6 yrs old what were we supposed to do, make a splint gtfo

Somebody pooped on the floor while we were out at cardiac rehab.

My gut tells me it was the dog—but he seems awfully nonchalant about it.

Man sets himself on fire near NYC courthouse where Donald Trump is on trial - ABC7 New York. Someone yelled “Fire Extinguisher” I yelled “Who has the chocolate and marshmallows” idiot. #Trump #Courthouse abc7ny.com/man-apparently…

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before