When your teen gets a job & starts paying for their own stuff, that’s when your life really begins.

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

What is up with the influx of people wanting to back in to parking spaces?

We get it, you can park in reverse. Stop holding up traffic & park like a normal person.

The trouble with children is that they’re so awake in the mornings.

I love the weekend because you get to sleep in a little before returning to the endless list of chores.

My son told me old people talk about the “stupidest stuff” and then walked into the next room and asked his friend if he’d rather be the Keebler Elf or the Trix Rabbit.

My mom as mom.: You get what you get now deal with it
My mom as a grandma:.Would you like your grilled cheese cut into stars or hearts

I never thought I’d miss the toddler years until I had teens.

I think the best part about having teens is the constant reminder that they know everything.

“you let your pet sleep with you”

i’d let that mf represent me in court

This world caters to morning people, it’s an absolute outrage.

Being an adult is getting some extra money & being excited about paying off a credit card rather than buying something fun.

I hate it here.

My son can configure this whole elaborate video gaming set up in his room but needs help to make his own toast.

Seems legit.

My survival plan for any disaster is being at Costco when it happens

The earthquake was way more exciting than the eclipse… i want my money back

I keep saying apocalypse instead of eclipse if that tells you the state of my mental health

Telling me not to look at it only makes me want to look at it more.

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

An eclipse, but it's just a child standing directly in front of me talking about a YouTube video while I'm trying to watch Netflix.

The eclipse was cool and now it’s over and there was no rapture and so now I have to go home and make dinner. 0 stars.