My son told me old people talk about the “stupidest stuff” and then walked into the next room and asked his friend if he’d rather be the Keebler Elf or the Trix Rabbit.

I’m feeling productive today. I already crossed “lose my shit” off my to do list and it’s only 9am.

I had a teacher who didn’t recognize me in class one day, when I told her my name she responded with: but that’s not what you were wearing yesterday! I think about this every time I meet a new person

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

I never thought I’d miss the toddler years until I had teens.

When new parents tell me their baby's dimensions what exactly am I supposed to do with this information?

Having 3 kids really screws you on buy 1 get 1 half off deals. I should have planned better.

I wake up to texts that friends sent me after 10pm. What is wrong with you people. Text me at 6am like a normal person.

The sunglass store:
'If you ever want to go to the beach, the lens needs to be polarized and those start $125.'

The eclipse:
'You can use these to stare directly into the sun for $3.'

Is the eclipse over, can I stop yelling at my kids to not even go near a window?

I took a few days off to spend time with my teen on spring break and by spend time I mean listen to him yell at his Xbox.

No one is filled with more false confidence than I am when I don't write something down because 'I'll remember that.'

Look.. we don’t care which way the toilet roll is on, as long as it’s on.

Is anyone else still eating ham from Easter because I am and I’m not even sure it’s still good.

My second grader’s homework has me questioning if I passed second grade.

My mornings consist of:
10% drinking coffee
90% yelling at my teen to wake up

I hate when people start a meeting with “everyone having a good day?” Yeah Tina, I’m at work, on a Teams meeting, and I’m on camera…doesn’t get better than this.

Me: Oh, here’s a great place to store this!

Also me: Never finds it again.

No one is more full of hope than a mom who hopes it’s chocolate smeared on the hand soap in the bathroom.