The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

I hate when I'm trying to have a relaxing Sunday and I keep remembering it's Sunday.

Let's get married & have kids so instead of enjoying brunch on Sunday you can get syrup out of hair while I scrape the burnt off of toast.

What position is it in soccer where my kid tries to find a four leaf clover?

A Vietnamese Italian fusion restaurant called Pho-gettaboutit

One great things about having daughters is being one of the first to know that “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart” is Taylor’s latest absolute banger.

Remember when we discovered courier font and were like, sweet this 5 page essay is finished, the end.

Started listening to Blues Traveler in the car and a graduation tassel grew out of my rear view mirror.

So coachella isn't a type of pasta?

There is a certain “I don’t have my life together” vibe I give when I’m drinking coffee from a regular mug with no lid while I drive my kid to school.

Being a parent is unbelievable. I didn’t even know it was possible to spill toast until I had kids.

I know things have been crazy but no one has had a worse decade than the red delicious apple.

what tv sounds like

WHAT COMMERCIALS SOUND LIKE

Just saw an episode of Bluey called “The Sign” that blew Oppenheimer out of the water.

NOPE, left it short, idiot.

-me on the couch watching the greatest golfers in the world play at the highest level.

My family seems confused because the golf channel has been on the TV for 8 straight hours and I just told them to shush because The Masters was starting.

Y’all mind if I get up early on a Sunday and refill the bird feeders while the coffee is brewing?

Bet my family is pretty excited about me watching 14 hours of golf this weekend.