Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it's right there

What I said:
HURRY UP! WE’RE LATE!

What my kids heard:
Nothing. Because kids don't listen.

Am I the only person who can take a bread tie off & not be able to find it literally 3 seconds later?

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

“Have you tried sleeping?”

-Me, as a therapist.

I am definitely not superstitious at all but I am certain everything went wrong today because I forgot to put on earrings

Me: Maybe AI can do my job, but it will never be able to do it with my unique personality and sense of humor.

AI: Are you guys working hard, or hardly working? Whoa, I must have missed the memo about this being blue shirt day.

Me: Oh crap.

This 3 year old should be a life coach

Imagine being finished with the laundry.

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.

new client intake

I just finished some work I brought home to do this weekend. It only took 14 hours.

13 hours of stressing myself tf out about doing it and 1 hour to actually do it.

In law school, I imagined I'd want to do trial stuff. Be in court. Now, nope. Someone just pay me to research and write. You don't even have to talk to me. Just lemme writ my little law stories and drink my little coffees. TYIA

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

I threw old kale in my backyard and now the squirrels are riding little Pelotons and requesting coconut water.

My 6yo is playing softball for the first time, and she learned that if she gets hit while batting, she gets to walk to 1st base. I'm a little scared and a little excited to see what she does with this new info because she's a lil crazy.

will u be my ibuprofriend

The facts in my brief were just right for me to make this reference. Although this case involves an illegally-seized 1968 Camaro. #lawtwitter #appellatetwitter