Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”. Millennial: blank stare

All I’m saying is the people who insist they don’t deserve it are usually the people who most deserve it.

What’s it called when you agree to do something your wife asks you to do but still get in trouble for making the wrong facial expression when you agree to do it?

I would like things to spiral into control once in a while.

Need a professional way to say "I do not care, don't mention this to me again"

My kid’s teacher gave her a packet of loose confetti that she’s supposed to put under her pillow during the first week of school, and I don’t understand why her teacher already hates me so much

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

*perspective* Me: Yes, I am a dog owner My dog: Yes, I am a person owner

I just walked through a spiderweb so this day is already terrible.

Nothing brings a neighborhood together like the cops showing up at someone else’s house

I don't run from my problems... I lay on my couch play with my phone and ignore them like a adult

I don't subscribe to any magazines, but if they came out with "Good Enough Housekeeping," that's one I might read.

I’m tired of complaining about being hot, I’m ready to complain about being cold

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

She’s unhinged. I love her. - me trying to befriend women on twitter

You’d think I’d have more stuff to tweet with 2 more adults, 4 kids and another dog living in my house but all I’ve come up with is a drinking problem.

Cracker Jack is my favorite way to eat a single peanut

I don't like the person I become when I ask my husband to do something and he tells me he’ll “do it later.”

You can have kids or you can have a complete set of silverware. But you can’t have both.

You know you’re an adult when you’re excited to spend your Saturday looking at new refrigerators.