Kids today will never know the amusement of breaking an old thermometer, pouring the mercury in your hand and nvgrd vxzdr mmyu bvfryj

My next move is to terrorize the neighborhood in a Santa Suit.

The first thing you need to know about social media is that everyone’s on vacation except for you.

Going to a concert is a fun way to spend $53 on two beers and a water.

*discussing weekend with coworkers* “We went to the beach” “We went camping” “We went out on the boat” Me: I had a manic episode and rearranged my house.

Have you ever try to help someone and realize they like their problems?

Like many of you, I don't have a pet peacock. Unlike many of you, I have a plan.

RSVPing with an addendum "I'm not a participator."

It takes a while for my work ethic to return after taking a week of vacation. This process usually takes 51 weeks.

Boss: *schedules a quick check in* Me: great, I knew it. they’re firing me.

Boss: why are you late? Me: time is an illusion, a construct made out of human memory *sips caramel macchiato from Starbucks*

People who ask if the meeting will be recorded because they won’t be able to make it, I love the enthusiasm but stop lying.

Because summer is about sunshine and BBQ’s and breezy beaches and having a showdown with a fly in your kitchen at 2AM.

Keep seeing ads for what looks like giant dog beds but for people. Definitely not the worst idea, I’m listening.

This family has a lot of nerve wearing all these clothes after I just did laundry.

Grow a garden on Roblox while your family starves.

If they can make a self driving car, they can make a dishwasher that puts the dishes away, that’s all I’m saying.

my son said he has a hard time falling asleep because his brain keeps sending him notifications, and that’s the best description ive ever heard

Walmart re-branding their shrimp as "night lights."

People will talk about how easy it is to care for a cast iron pan and then break into a 45 minute monologue of detailed instructions.