i hate applying for jobs because the employers are always like: do you enjoy working in a stressful environment???? do you strive for unobtainable standards of perfection???? are you good at dealing with people that make you feel extremely uncomfortable???

Reoccurring dreams be like 'I dunno, here's a rerun'

I didn’t think I believed in miracles until just now when I watched my son break down a cereal box and put it in the recycling bin.

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

Ahh August-a time to soak up those last days of sun, prepare for a fresh start with a new school year, gather the family for a final summer BBQ, and make false promises about how we’re all going to “tone down the holidays this year.”

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

Probably the biggest thing about adulthood that sucks is that yogurt is a treat now.

Two day weekends are not enough. I need two days just to recover. Then another two to clean my house. At least one for appointments. Of course I need to grocery shop. And am I not entitled to a few hours of self care? Maybe some exercise? Look, I can give you one afternoon, tops.

I’m way past the point of needing a massage, I need to be run over with a truck.

“OK, THAT’S IT. YOU HAVE LOST YOUR SCOTCH TAPE PRIVILEGES!” I announce loudly up the staircase to whoever can hear me because motherhood turns you into a lunatic.

Kids will see a hand towel hanging neatly in a bathroom and be like oh hell no.

Welcome to your 40’s. Rage Coupon Clipping is a thing you do now.

I don’t remember the mall being a nightmare back in the 90’s. Is that because I was the child and not the parent in the situation?

One cool thing about being over forty is when you suddenly develop strong opinions about shirt hangers.

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time? Me: Yes. App: That would be nice, right? lol. Me: what… App: Sign in again.

"Sure I will, I'll do anything for you." [5 min later] *ignores your phone call

Watch out for the people in the “Be Kind” t-shirts, they smile a lot but they’re almost always unhinged.

9yo: What do you think is a good age for me to get a phone? Me: Well, I got my first cell phone when I was 22. 9yo: Ugh, can you please stop with your olden days stories?

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals! Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

I get most of my workouts by forgetting stuff upstairs when I'm trying to leave the house.