“Mommy, I accidentally had an accident… on the floor”

And other things they left out of parenting books

If you have kids, you don’t need to buy a weighted blanket.

My husband has some nerve commenting on my grey hair like he isn’t the cause at least half of them

Why would I rather call this office 10 times than leave one voicemail for them to call me back?

Yes it’s all about balance in a marriage. My husband listens to me talk with his headphones on and I fall asleep whilst he’s talking to me.

My 6yo: (looking outside) It's raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU'RE an old man

Me: 😑

Singing 'Oops...I Did It Again', but it's just about me eating my lunch before 10AM

Wow. A lot of people hate orange juice.

This Spring, there will be millions of displaced cicadas looking for a home, keep your hearts and doors open.

Sorry I’m late I had to drive to the reservoir to fill my daughter’s Stanley cup.

I need another eclipse very soon, that end of the world feeling is exhilarating.

Next time a guy asks to see more of me, I’m showing him my colonoscopy video

Nothing prepares you for the things you hear when you share an Apple Music account with your kids.

Thinking I might get a little wild and crazy and change my work email font

There's a bird singing outside this morning. It must be oblivious to today's obligations and busy schedule.

When you call me 'the receptionist' or dismiss me as 'just the person at the front desk' what I hear is that I look far too young and cute to be in charge

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

I am not allowed to have kids bc i’d name a girl, apothecary.

If I were to do a mad lib with my 3yo he would choose the word butthole to fill every blank

Can’t wait to tell my grandkids about how we all collectively agreed to continue calling it Twitter.