Me at 1pm: I have so much self control, this diet is gonna be easy

Me at 1am: crap, I ate all the candy again

My kids are writing a mystery series called mom where did YOU put all the chargers?

My mental health has improved greatly over the last week. No, I’m not taking medication, I just stopped reading the comments on Facebook.

if hansel and gretel were millennials

“This is such a huge financial loss” me, after accidentally dropping a blueberry.

Thinking of putting our couch on FB Marketplace: seats 4 or approximately 6 large loads of laundry.

My 6yo just ripped a gnarly fart, asked me if I was ok and casually walked off like nothing happened.

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, 'AAAAAAAHHHHH' 😭💀

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister's birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

*pours milk over bowl of ibuprofen for breakfast*

I’ve been sending my husband some of my best jokes and he isn’t laughing at any of them. This is garbage.

Lately, my 6yo has been putting on a movie, laying down on the couch, and falling asleep a few minutes into the movie.

He's already nailed being middle aged.

me: you know what I think?

wife: not really. It's usually dumb AF.

Met someone the other day who said their favorite color was yellow. What a psycho

my kid announced she is writing her New York Times bestseller “Dumb Ways to Swing.”

When I’m waiting in line at the drive thru sometimes I pregame with a purse snack

Get yourself a girl who prioritizes. My wife left her inhaler at home to make room in her purse for the m&ms we wanted to smuggle into the movie

me: I'm not old

also me: *realizes the number of meteorologists I follow on facebook is not zero*

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

Him, 10: “How much money did you make from the tooth fairy?”
Me: “Not as much as you… a quarter, a piece of gum…”
Him: “Did you know the tooth fairy has that paper money now?”