I started to say to my kids, 'Hey guys, I want—' and my 9yo interrupted me with 'US TO SUMMON A 𝘿𝙀𝙈𝙊𝙉?????'

Why was she so ready with that?😳

my 8yo used static electricity to stick these balloons to the walls and she’s calling it.... *checks notes* the “Hall of Lost Souls”

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

My daughters are playing 'dinosaurs and Barbies' and my 7yo randomly announces, 'we didn't have any Ken dolls so all the Barbies are lesbians!'

As Jeff Goldblum said, 'Life, uh, finds a way'

The restaurant labeled my 7yo’s take out chicken fingers as … “kids finger” and now she’s running around the house maniacally laughing and saying “deeeelicious kids fingers mmmm” as she eats them oh no

I’m not much of a live laugh love person so long term nuclear waste warning messages it is

I hate when I eat the last m&m in the bag without realising. Like, I needed to mentally prepare myself for that moment

razzle AND dazzle? in this economy??

it’s a single burnt nugget on stale bread wrapped in a list of all the ways you’ve disappointed your parents

Dentist: have you been flossing?

*mouth pooling with blood*
Me: most definitely

My hot take is that America has too many storage facilities. We just need to have less stuff

My kids put a mermaid tail on the dog 😭I’m dying

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, 'AAAAAAAHHHHH' 😭💀

I’m old enough to have an upstairs ibuprofen and a downstairs ibuprofen.

Lemme save you some time. If I ever go missing, you don't have to look at any of the hiking trails.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: there was a dog in your dating profile pic why are they not here