Sometimes when the hubs annoys me I simply just eat a Nature Valley granola bar on his side of the bed while maintaining direct eye contact

How much longer are they going to shove Luke Combs Fast Car down our throats?

Billion Dollar idea. Manufacturing and selling humor.. In fact, we’ll just give it away for free. Make the world a better place.

There are two kinds of people in this world, those who want to pull the weeds at the root and those who want to just mow them and they marry each other.

No man needs to be taller than 5’10”

What are you trying to see up there

My Kid: (playing a video game) I found the exit!

Me: then you better use the egg-acne-cream.

Kid: what did I do to deserve the Dad Jokes?!

Me: you didn’t clean your room.

Kid:

Me: better get moving, or I’ll start in on music puns.

Kid: (pauses game, runs to clean)

Kids these days will never get how good Davidoff Cool Water was. How’d you think I dated my wife? Certainly not for my humor or charm. But a couple of spritzes of the Cool Water magic and Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, she rejected me 5 times, then we went out. With her friends of course.

I just we have coffee at home'd myself, do not recommend

My 13yo likes to remind me that he's taller than me, and I like to remind him I'm the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

I’d like to return my 40s, it disagrees with my digestion, and is incompatible with my lower back

Wife- Are you golfing today, I thought we were hanging out?

(Cancels golf)

Wife- You’re so annoying, I thought you were golfing today.

How old must your notifications be to be considered antique?

After age 30 do we keep all clothes in case they fit again forever? Asking for a friend.

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

My favorite thing about DoorDash is when we decide to make grilled cheese and tomato soup.