Took my meds without looking at them to add a little intrigue to the day

Allegedleigh would be a great girls’ name.

How old is too old to drop yourself off at the fire station?

Tried to say I was going to turn off my camera but instead it came out as I’m going to face-mute myself

no matter how many examples that my wife keeps pointing out, I refuse to believe my kids get their stubborness from me

I once had a crush on a girl named Glenda. The 80s were fucking wild

I need another eclipse very soon, that end of the world feeling is exhilarating.

My washing machine claiming it only has 1 minute left is why I have trust issues

eating your lunch in your car at work is the adult version of the high school bathroom stall.

Might get wild and laminate some things tonight

Why do drive thru's have multiple lanes but still so slow getting you your food?
It's Economics 101: The slower they give you your food, the longer they have your money , the more money they can make in investments with your cash.
Corporations do that all the time.

Adding insult to (literal) injury is having to press the “I fell, but I’m OK” button on my Apple Watch so it wouldn’t send an ambulance to my location.

one time my grandmother sent a birthday card to my old address in college and the guy living there at the time tracked me down on facebook bc he thought i’d want it. i dropped by, we had a drink and that’s how my grandmother unintentionally got me laid.

My brain: (warm and cozy in bed) long day, can’t wait to drift off to sleep.

My bladder: you’re not going to believe this

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Thinking I might get a little wild and crazy and change my work email font

Looking for an affordable vacation to the Bermuda Triangle