Tried to say I was going to turn off my camera but instead it came out as I’m going to face-mute myself

Tried to say I was going to turn off my camera but instead it came out as I’m going to face-mute myself

Switching my LinkedIn headline to “Auteur & Gourmand.”

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

Think I’m in my soft gadabout era.

Steinbeck: Furious Pears?
Publisher: Meh
Steinbeck: Miffed Mangos?
Publisher: Too Stan Lee
Steinbeck: Irate Tomatoes?
Publisher: Are those even fruit?
Steinbeck: Technically
Publisher: Still no
Steinbeck: The… Grapes of Wrath!
Publisher: …
Steinbeck: …
Publisher: *finger guns*

More stories about stone fruits, please.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh... it's called curly hair

not enough ppl die by poisoned hair pins these days,

I often wonder how many of Shaggy’s friends and family were like “We don’t do that, no one does. Who is this ‘they’ he’s singing about?” when they heard the chorus to Boombastic for the first time.

I once had a crush on a girl named Glenda. The 80s were fucking wild

What’s that song that goes: ᵃᵃᵃᵃᵃᵃ ᵃᵃᵃᵃᵃᵃ aaaaaa AAAAAA aaaaa ᵃᵃᵃᵃᵃᵃ
AAAAAAAAAAAAA ᵃᵃᵃᵃᵃᵃ AAAAAAA aaaaaaa ᵃᵃᵃᵃᵃᵃ

My 5yo named her two favourite toys ‘Beefacus’ and ‘Real Dave’ so I think she should just name all newborns from now on

Einstein said 'If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough' then I thought about how I explain most things and now i'm a little sad

It's only a Kraft Single if it's made in the Kraft region of America. Otherwise it's just a cheese slice

I’m delighted to announce that my 10yr old now says “I do not want to be seen as your daughter” whilst walking ahead of me.

If you have kids, you don’t need to buy a weighted blanket.

It's a good thing my social life isn't very active, because having two kids in spring sports and activities right now would end it.

Some of the things my 3yo asked while waiting for my 5yo’s music program to start:
- Can we rock out?
- Are you my daddy? (to the man sitting behind his actual dad)
- Is it time to go home now?

My wife’s love language is rage cleaning our home.