If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

The older I get the faster time goes. Time’s like, let’s get this over with already.

When you hear sirens do you immediately wonder if your house is on fire or are you normal

Me before kids: I won't lie to them to make life easier on myself. I'll always give them honest explanations and answers.
Me after kids, sleep deprived for a week straight: Because, if you don't get into the bed and stay there right now, the floor really will turn into lava!!

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

I complained about the cheese puff bag making my hand orange so my wife took scissors, cut the top off and when I was done put a chip clip on it like some sort of wizard

I'm at that point in my life where I understand the appeal of reborn babies (those hyper realistic dolls), and that very much concerns me.

I’m like a sexy hamburger helper cause I like to mix it up.

Does your kid lose more water bottles or jackets and why is it both?

Is it okay to ask in a fine dining place “where is my food in this food that you brought?”?

You can't hurt me, I survived 80's playgrounds.

Flex on the washing machine by wearing mismatched socks to work.

You’re either Team QED or Team Whoomp! There it is. I rest my case.

In case you were questioning my mental health I just bought my son a slide whistle.

How is it still not a weekend?

I took my 6yo to softball practice and then realized it was canceled. My 6yo smiled at me, 'Well, look at that, we yelled at each other for nothing.'

So, it's Tuesday
what a day
let's eat pizza

Poetry is easy

Did you know you can just put cream cheese on toast if you run out of bagels, there is literally no one checking this

After age 30 do we keep all clothes in case they fit again forever? Asking for a friend.

Every day I’m thankful that my wife has terrible taste in men.