Oh, you don’t let your pets on the furniture? I’d probably let my cat borrow my car if he asked nicely

Remember the movie with the guy who ate nothing but fast food for a month to prove how bad it is for you?

I’ve been doing that for years with absolutely no ulterior motive. So who’s the real hero?

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

Boys are weird

Who the delivery drivers see when you open up the door to them is the real you

Have you tried eating yogurt with a fork? I have
(Me flirting)

Oh, hi! I'm quite high and very extra.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

My only goal in life is to be someone that would impress Shania Twain much

Sometimes when I fall asleep on my couch my cat will move the curtains and sun falls directly in my face waking me up and I can’t prove it but I know she does it on purpose

My daughter is mad at me and just informed me that when she dies her last words will be “my mom is a loser”

One of the biggest challenges in the workplace is trying not to eat your lunch before 10 am

When did grocery shopping become something fun to do on a weekend, what have I become

When you hear sirens do you immediately wonder if your house is on fire or are you normal

I may look fine, but deep down inside, the toe seam on my sock is crooked

🎶That’s me in the corner,
That’s me in the spotlight,
Cruisin’ my religion…🎶

-The Pope

Twin Peaks isn’t odd or scary. Washington is just like that.

As an adult, I like to keep people guessing by being unexpectedly helpless in very common situations.

I bet big bird’s cloaca is the size of my fist.

I’m both of them on a first date