Sorry I’m late I was avoiding someone I know at the grocery store.

You ever just want to row, row, row your boat with the homies?

Hello Gamblers Anonymous?
I keep buying avocados

i don’t answer random phone numbers, i google them like a true introvert would.

Men with huge belt buckles are just trying to hide the umbilical cord

wait can you pee with a boner??

Told my doctor my symptoms and I think he got the ick.

Oh to have enough sex to be able to say “sure sex is great but….”

Something about you drives me wild

Therapy isn't enough I need everyone to be dogs

men: i like my women confident

woman: i look amazing right now

men: whoa, little lady, pump the brakes

*thud*

The lamp section at Lowes is a magical place.

A Charlie Brown Tax Audit (TV-G, 1972)

You wake up early to get to the gym. I wake up early to get to the donut shop before all the good apple fritters are gone.
We are not the same

My cat can make me apologize for nothing just by glaring at me.

I need to start taking notes.

Demon: oh he looks mad

Another demon: yea he’s lost like 6 gold fiddles this week

My mother said it’s past all of your bedtimes.

If you give me the aux, I’m playing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Idgaf.

You’re not a man I can take seriously but I can pretend