My skill set is fine. It’s my will set that’s lacking.

Having a vivid imagination isn't always good, you might see a litle bit of back hair coming out of a man's shirt and imagine all the rest

Haters will see you playing hot potato and say you’re against holding things.

My washing machine claiming it only has 1 minute left is why I have trust issues

Took my meds without looking at them to add a little intrigue to the day

“What news do you bring me from over the mountains, my little friend?”

“There is a great storm coming, you should find shelter soon. Also, I saw hunters camped in the valley.”

“Anything else?”

“Your mother wants to know if you’re eating enough. She says she worries about you.”

Doris didn't care if this really was the hottest fashion trend in Paris, she thought the hat looked silly.

Boss: when I mentioned us “going on an adventure,” I meant a casual Friday lunch at Applebees.

Me: [wearing a Fireproof Tunic of the Lizard, looking at my bag full of health potions] wtf

I have plans tonight

(spend an hour finding something to watch, pause at the opening credits, scroll for 3 hrs)

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for 'just a second'

Do you know what’s so great about Mexican food in Arizona? You can have one favorite restaurant for salsa. Another for burritos. And another for tacos. In every city.

What does it mean when holy water sizzles when it hits your skin . . . just asking for a friend.

Make sure you add a serious reply to someone’s joke on the internet today.

The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms probably has the best office parties.

You're 40. At least put a small curve in the bill of your hat.

I mentioned 8-tracks on a work call and my coworker told me afterward that he had to look it up to know what I was talking about and someone just wheel me to the nursing home

I think I need more coffee because beauty sleep is just not doing it.

so, this guy who spoon fed me applesauce while dressed like a sexy baby turned out to be a real creep, you guys.

You CAN always get what you want, usually long after you've lost interest

My boss just asked if I’m working hard or hardly working so I went outside and slit his tires