Everything has been downhill from here. Bang up fucking whatever.

You can only keep 2 wyd

You can call me your little pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with caramel drizzle of you wanna

kids, i stumbled on some more of my tweets that i illustrated a while ago. this place is still called twitter, bu the way

Sorry, can't, fucking off

What’s the matter, beautiful? Times are hard? You’re afraid to pay the fee?

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Oh. Well. That’s easy. I changed my mind.

I was taught not to lose sight of my goal, so I never take my eyes off my bed.

Just a casual stabbing, nothing formal.

never breaking eye contact with the waiter, i pull out a laundry detergent-sized jug of mustard & squeeze out a message on top of my pizza that reads: more pineapple, please

Life would be so much easier if I didn’t need sleep

an oriole just came to my window & said hey bitch the grape jelly is empty

I figure if I keep posting, someone is bound to pay me hush money.

You can't hurt me, I survived 80's playgrounds.

Always tell people you slept fine, otherwise they might try to offer you sleep advice.

If y'all excuse me I'm gonna go be extraordinary for a couple hours.

WHY THE FUCK ARE CHIP BAGS SO DEEP? YOU TRYING TO SHAME OUR FAT ASSES WITH GREASY FOREARMS? HUH? GIVE US WIDE BAGS. THAT RESEAL OR GIVE US DEATH, I'M FINE WITH EITHER.

Let's assemble our survival packs. First, we need a sturdy rope. Second, a machete so we don't have to eat the rope.

When I’m trying to figure out who and whom, I think of my neighbor, whom I hate.