Remember when we used to end our tweets with “fight me?”

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me.

Many who say that they made it alone usually have a junkyard full of people that they used up

Looking back, I should have been more mischievous

is he… y’know… *imitates crab claws*… from maryland???

I angrily screamed “oh you want some” at another driver, but I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Evening plans

My mom really needed that chicken thawed.

Home Goods simply does not miss

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don't need rescuing.

Wife accused me of stealing her élite moisturizer because I’ve been looking “way too dewy.” And guess what? She’s right. Stuff is a game changer that they’ve been hiding from us, boys.

I was gonna watch a part of my show and then get ready for work cause I don’t have much time. But instead I got ready first and guess what? Now I don’t have time to watch my show so that’s stupid. I’m never doing that again.

got on an elevator with a guy so I was like 'Monday.' and he was like 'New day.' and I was okay Mr perspective, it's a little early for that level of positivity

Life would be so much better if there were more piñatas

I hate it when I'm at work and someone asks 'are you at free at the moment?'. Please expand further so I can know if I'm free or not.

I'm not in the mood for my shit today.

I learned to tie a shoe by making a rabbit hole.

A dislike so strong it ruins an entire town for you.