Favorite ray of sunshine clocking in for duty!

Just going to cry into this wine now because I’m fucking miserable.

I was never good enough for one but for another I am exactly what they want. Never sell yourself short because one person made you feel unworthy.

If social media were people, Twitter would be the slutty older sister of your best friend you were equally aroused and terrified by

I sometimes wonder if everyone else talks to inanimate objects in their houses too... as I yell at the vacuum cleaner for tangling it's cable round my leg when I specifically told it not to do that

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

I talk a lot of shit for someone who tells myself to 'concentrate' out loud when carrying a plate of food

ever read a tweet and just know they think the earth is flat?

if you’re not being subtweeted a couple times a day, why are you even here

Sorry I accused your mom of having a tramp stamp that reads ‘support your local sperm bank’.

The biggest lie on the Internet is guys named Carl do that thing you like.

Ever read a reply from a guy to a woman on here and think 'Settle down dude, you're not gonna get laid.'?

“So, I have always wanted to be put into a medically induced coma.”

Architect: “Say no more”

Somehow......my broken heart, still beats.....and maybe, it's for you.

I woke up needing to poop and got constipated halfway through, and if that's not the devil's work, then I don't know what is.

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said 'give me all your money!'

Then she turned around and said 'you look broke, I'll try another house' as she promptly walked away.

I'm not really a Twitter stalker. I just happen to follow 300 accounts and only half are still active.

Sometimes when my cat gets mad at me I like to roll him up in a blanket and tell him that he’s my spicy little purrito, now he’s even madder but damn he’s cute

'Well, Clarice… have the lambs stopped screaming?'

Saw a woman fucking a 2 litre Coca-Cola bottle.

Like, who even buys 2 litre bottles? The fizz is gone a litre down.