My mom, looking at my drunk dad: I don't know what got into him

Me, a recipient of the genetic alcoholism: I do

bio in bio

It helps to remember it's all been on purpose the whole time, all of it. Not that anyone should need a reminder at this point but just in case.

Nice she shed. It'd be a shame if something happened to it.

I keep waiting for someone to tell me to shut the fuck up

Pretty happy no one has yet.

A beatnik nicknamed Budget

One day you're young and in love; next thing you know, twenty years have passed, and your husband has started listening to yacht rock.

It’s a proprietary blend of six milks, three nut, two dairy, plus octopus colostrum

Look, if WWIII starts, don't draft the young people, go in order of the oldest volunteers first, many of us are done with all this shit and we don't need to run an 8 minute mile to swab decks on a guided missile cruiser. Let the young ones run the place without our jaded asses.

I don’t judge a book by its cover but my imagination runs wild with tiny little details of the life I hope they live

This is now a “I’m sad bc my dog died” account, and my heart hurts over and over again

Helpful hint…😉

Replying “obviously not ideal, but…”

I told the waitress I liked her makeup and she goes “I was thinking the same about you!” so if you need us, we’re forming a girl gang and conquering the planet together

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

I rely on future me a little more than I should.

I declare war on war.
NOW WHAT?
That right, peace. Wait.

If I won the lottery I wouldn't tell anyone, but there would be signs.

Your city, I’m in it. This’s me checking in

I use captions on movies because I enjoy reading

Duh