Still haven't invented anything.

Foreign desserts puzzle me. Why all the sticky fruit?

We love the blue ones 💙

I hope they have fondue in space.

Thinking about how my family passed down alcoholism instead of generational wealth

Wake me up when we can feed the whole tree into the printer directly

If you are having a bad day. Give up and sleep then start tomorrow!

The first 45 years of a child's life are the most important to their physical and cognitive growth.

[the song of the pierogi man floats up from the street below]
🎵 Who will buy my fresh pierogies? They’re good baked or fried. 🎵

*takes a knee in front of kindergarteners*
the rain that you see in the movies is not real. it’s man-made. by machines. fake. now, the rain that you see in real life? outside? that’s made by god who is crying because your parents have fallen behind on their bowflex payments

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

And now we return to our regularly scheduled waking nightmare already in progress

We called the neighbor kid Red. He had the classic lines of a baby cardinal.

The lyrics to this insurance jingle have taken on new meaning

Great news everyone!
I am ready to snap at the most minor inconvenience

You know how a word sounds strange if you say it over and over? Ignore that.

*i use some salad tongs to pull a pair of jeans that’ve been pickling in stetson cologne out of a large jar & show them to my friend dale*
these are the pants i wear when it’s arby’s night

when i was a kid, instead of saying a prayer before dinner, my dad would recite peter finch’s i’m mad as hell speech from the movie network

Always exciting to see a steamroller in person.

haha, you’re right, i hate it when i’m talking to someone at a party & we run out of stuff to say & then we both realize that one of us has to kill the other one