Do you ever just stop in the middle of an argument, and really want to ask Alexa what she thinks?

i tripped over my iphone charger and fell in front of everyone if you even care.

van gogh — red.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

the old, scary, evil witch i always picture when picturing a witch looks like jk rowling.

Me: [bursting into tears at the Golden Corral lunch buffet] I’ve just never seen so much flank steak

Make sure you add a serious reply to someone’s joke on the internet today.

I wish I loved anything as much as boomers love putting their phones on speaker in public.

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

Bluey referenced “mitochondria” and I immediately said to my 4yo “the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell” like a sleeper agent who just heard their activation phrase

This is the first time I’ve ever really even considered Nicholas Cage had a dad and wasn’t an immaculate conception.

not enough ppl die by poisoned hair pins these days,

Edward Scissorhands, watching Wolverine retract his claws: must be nice, asshole

Might get wild and laminate some things tonight

lunch time or what i like to call sitting in my car and listening to true crime for thirty minutes.

my coworker said she imagines this to be my type in men and she’s not wrong.

🏆 THURSDAY CONTEST 🏆

This week's theme: LUNCH

Thai food, pasta, PBJ: What's on the menu today? Write us up to 3 🥪NEW🥪 (written today) tweets about lunch.

Open to all size accounts. Tell your friends! Come get a trophy 🏆

ENDS 10PM ET

I am not allowed to have kids bc i’d name a girl, apothecary.