Welp they finally found a way to suck the joy out of coffee so it’s been fun I guess

A taxonomy on both your variations said a dying naturalist who didn't believe in love. Living, giant, single-celled organisms that constitute entire universes unto them only child selves will say otherwise, but that is because they never indirectly died by star crossed fusion.

Omg the bots are just giving full frontal nudity in responses now like whatever happened to link in BIO we used to be a society

Winner. Bang up fucking whatever.

In this economy, The Devil Wears Kirkland

The only OJ that matters is the glass of OJ that Shelby drank when she had low blood sugar.

Steinbeck: Furious Pears?
Publisher: Meh
Steinbeck: Miffed Mangos?
Publisher: Too Stan Lee
Steinbeck: Irate Tomatoes?
Publisher: Are those even fruit?
Steinbeck: Technically
Publisher: Still no
Steinbeck: The… Grapes of Wrath!
Publisher: …
Steinbeck: …
Publisher: *finger guns*

I’ve given my husband fair warning that as soon as the kids are out of the house, I'm buying buttons to teach the dog to speak. Don't act like you didn't see this coming.

My husband has some nerve commenting on my grey hair like he isn’t the cause at least half of them

Me: lunch isn't based on a time lunch is based on being shitfaced on mimosas and eating eggs

My Boss: that's brunch and you've been on break for 2 hours

Me: sorry I smell like eggs

Might get wild and laminate some things tonight

What can I possibly tweet about that men will not try to explain to me

Might get wild and laminate some things tonight

I have 4 followers on my alt and I’m ready to leave this all behind

How to get weird guys out of your DMs, a free online course by Lady Catherine de Bourgh. #janeausteninthedms

Next time a guy asks to see more of me, I’m showing him my colonoscopy video

Me: Would you like to have lunch?

Them: A long lunch?

Me: Would you like to have lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllunch?

Them: