I did all the important stuff in the bath (shaving, washing hair) before the fun stuff (😏) am I an adult now? Is this what adults do?

The guy pretending to be a teenager in your aol chat room is in his 80s now. Time flies.

Restaurants,

I just want to view a pdf of your menu. I don’t want to scroll through each individual menu item. I definitely don’t want to have to start an order just to look at the menu. Figure it out.

I've gotten 4 rejections from literary agents, but at least my 11yo believes in me.

Me: intelligent, well-spoken, can read food menus in several languages, snobby about film and books

Also me: there's a new season of The Challenge All-Stars? FUCK YEAH LET'S GO

I love my tattoos for many reasons and the fact that they ward off men like this is the cherry on top

Sad to report that if you just get up and start doing things, they get done.

There should be a better way though.

QT/Show me your glasses!

My least favorite pair but I wear them the most bc they're durable. Ignore my kids' hockey sweaters in the background.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh... it's called curly hair

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

Is this real? Do the French honestly call him 'Poutine' and the Canadians just...let them get away with it?

Lloyd the Llama llaughs llongingly while lloitering at the LL Bean llounge as he llanguishes the Llacroix llibation from LL Cool J.

My Southern charms include using the phrase, “all y’all,” but only in the most extreme situations.

If you think you want me as a TC, consider this: I will

-point out other women that are better for you
-befriend any woman you so much as RT more than twice
-probably send her nudes on her birthday
-now she's my TC instead of yours
-now I'm her TC, too
-wait, who are you again?