Forget nudes, come weed & edge my garden.

Once I plant my vegetable garden it’s over for you cabbitches

I have nothing in common with people who forget to eat.

At the zoo w/ tired legs and not one mfer has offered me a piggyback ride…Being an adult is a complete carnival of crap.

Once I learn how to break ankles in basketball, it's crossover for you, bitches.

A safe word, but for like 'whoa dude, I'm not quite as flexible as I was 20 years ago'.

No one:

Me: 'The word 'Militia' just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.'

Melissa, militia, tomato, tomahto

I’ll catch you on memory lane.

unless you can be more satisfying than this Costco hotdog I just ate I don’t want it

I figure if I keep posting, someone is bound to pay me hush money.

I’m a real life Gen X but I’m a twitter boomer walking around muttering to myself “back in my day this place was fun”

So boring, even Alexa pretends she doesn't hear you anymore

It’s 2024 and I get my sports news from an account called ‘ballsack sports’

The gift of a non severe evening thunderstorm.

Receive thank you email, fight urge to send back thank you email for the thank you email

*Brings hugs to a knife fight*

Cause some people just need one.

If you want the missing sock in a pair to reappear, all you have to do is throw out the other sock. The missing one will show up soon after.

She wouldn't have chosen the bear if you had just loved her when she was a worm.