Watching Tombstone

Husband: everyone knows during a gun fight god reloads for you

Phil Collins isn’t his real name. It’s a sussudionym.

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

The sexiest thing a toaster can do is have four slots.

There’s no “we” in fries.

WHAT IF PEOPLE STARTED EVOLVING LIKE BEES AND INSTEAD OF TALKING WE HAD TO DANCE

every time an influencer asks you to like & subscribe, a Kraken is released

I know you're not supposed to play favorites, but everyone has that one stovetop burner that they love more

My dog says the track marks are just from the rabies booster

🎶gonna dress you up in my love🎶 but it’s just my transvaginal mesh putting you in a chokehold

I wonder if people from the 40s & 50s thought we’d speak song lyrics in the future?

SingingObituaries.com wasn’t the cash cow I thought it would be.

Washing my probiotic down with wine like a grownup.

[getting arrested for impersonating a priest] I KNOW MY RITES

I want the power to laugh like Roscoe P. Coltrane from the “Dukes of Hazzard.”

Ladies, don't date hungry guys...they're just trying to get into your pantries.