I'm not ready for triple digits yet. Getting sweaty now

Just call me H&R Block, the way I'm handling these weird dm's.

When you see your baby approaching & they make you say “Hubba Hubba”:

me when I'm thinkin about stuff

I was today (36) years old when I learned ants do not have lungs.

If it isn't authentic, I don't want it.

My favorite coworker is the one who speaks the least.

Not a good sign when you go to post how earth will live forever but there's mothman where the cursor should be

Life would be so much better if there were more piñatas

Nothing says 'I carry a torch for you' like matching Olympic logo tattoos

earth day is fucking dumb.

Sorry I was late, the floor was lava.

i like the aesthetic
of your mental illness

Fresh hell implies the existence of frozen hell.

Today is Motion Monday

Currently trying to shed some winter weight - and just passed up free samples of Krispy Kreme donuts at Costco. I think I should get a medal for that.

[Wife comes home from hair salon]

Me: Your hair looks great! Did you also change the color?

9yo [From her bedroom upstairs]: OMG! She got her eyebrows done!

Welcome to college. Here… have a heart attack

The IT team at the hospital wanted us all to know via email that they're doing WAP updates. Wireless Access Points you fuckin pervs.

It's not even 7:30 am and I've already heard Pony by Ginuwine today, I'm pretty sure my Monday is a winner.