Milli Vanilli: (scrolling TikTok) Ain’t that a bitch?

I greet the beautiful new day with a middle finger.

I can't sleep and I'm about to make it everyone else's problem.

Idk who needs to hear this, but Europe is not a country, but Paris is.

I woke up way too early for a Sunday. I’m cold. I need flannel and some more dreams.

I now only want to sneeze disapprovingly like a dog

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

I hate how mustaches came back ironically and then just stayed

Holy hell… if I keep on being this fricken happy all of the goddamn time I’m gonna be insufferable. Well, MORE insufferable.

As you get older, the only way to accomplish anything is to be a little dehydrated.

Women who can handle their marijuana are sexy as fuck!

It makes me so sad to know there are so many animals I will never be able to pet

Women will bitch and moan about how they can't find a good guy.

Then a good guy presents himself and they're all like, ewww omg get away from me.

Your misery is your own fault.

I want to know what monster allowed my kiddo to watch fucking Peppa Pig?

This morning I've been referred to as 'Daddy Pig' a bajillion times since waking up 2hrs ago.

'OMG, I lead them on and now they won't stop sending me DMs.'

'See you're being irrational again. When I said I feel like it's love and you immediately assumed it's because I love you when I only like you.'

I’m so glad I convinced my partner to come hiking with me. Except that she kept asking, “Is this the hill you want to die on?”