How old is too old to drop yourself off at the fire station?

Next time a guy asks to see more of me, I’m showing him my colonoscopy video

💯

Me: [practicing “Cat’s in the Cradle” on guitar]

Son: Hey, dad-

Me: NOT NOW

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

Me: Just let me love you!

Dog: I’m just not feeling it right now, man. Give me two minutes.

My weighted blanket won't let me join your morning hike.

Me *scrolling for my birth year*
My phone: I don’t have enough battery for this

Nudes are cool, but how’s your belch game?

Get out of bed, you lazy bitch! I know it’s your day off, but we gotta play !

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said 'eww what a horrible way to live'

If you describe yourself as bubbly…then no.

I’m wearing two different anti-perspirants today and one smells distinctly better than the other. So, in short, the line forms to the left. My left.

Need a good sauce to get lost in.

I’m up at 5am on my day off. Watch me get high and go right back to bed.

Raisins are grape jerky

letting yourself be loved without flinching or running is a practice i hope you practice

I just got another 'Amber Alert,' and I'm thinking Amber's parents need to keep a closer eye on her.

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.