Hand these out to your Trump loving neighbors

I had to have a talk with my mom about using the word 'moist' way too much.

Are you dead inside? Let people know without telling them.

Houston, I Have All The Problems [ on Etsy as mug, tee, hoodie: tinyurl.com/5fhju6fd ]

Just a casual stabbing, nothing formal.

[Fallout, Season 2]

Me: [new guy in the vault] hi everyone I brought my guitar

Everyone: [groans]

If you're ever in a rap battle with me, please don't make fun of my enormous breasts or my perfect facial structure. I'm sensitive about that.

Do bears only wipe their ass with Charmin or are they allowed to use Angel Soft?

This shouldn't make me laugh as much as it does

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

Old people are cool until you get stuck behind one at the grocery store.

This rabbit I adopted hasn't even touched his Trix cereal.

If you really like my account, prove it by naming a kid after me.

I'm very disappointed in X for allowing a Rothsvhild conspiracy ad to be posted. Please report it if you see it.

Do u ever look in the mirror and just hope it isn't accurate

I have faced more peer pressure to try kale then I have ever felt with drugs

My children better grow up to be funny because I'm not spending the rest of my life fake-laughing at their dumb jokes.

I'd get out of bed, but I'm trying not to engage my core.

If these birds don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to write a very devastating tweet about them.

This turtle I found hasn't even touched its pizza yet.