In 10 words or less tell a true story with no context. “One time I accidentally shaved part of my eyebrow off.”

That 70 yr old woman referred to me as "young fella,"  so I guess you can say my wrinkle cream is paying off!

BREAKING: Jeff Bezos has been dethroned as the second richest person on the planet, despite my wife's daily efforts to get him to #1.

Love the part where Dr. Frankenstein gets hit by, gets struck by, a smooth criminal

commercials should be the same volume as the show, we have the technology

How dare you be on your lunch break whilst I'm trying to call you, while on my lunch break. ~ Customers.

about to change my fantasy name to perc cousins so conjure the winning spirits

Tell that bitch she's amazing and slap her ass on the regular.

What base is it when he introduces you to his friends Tony 2 Thumbs & Joey Chandelier?

Wake me up when I can be Garfield in Mortal Kombat

I’m a little bit of an aunt, a little bit of an uncle. I am an ankle.

Please tell me someone has already made the joke…… More like P Diddler, am I right?!

Stop asking pointless questions and give me all the tacos

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies. Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I'm gonna let that one ride for a while.

Careful. The grass isn’t the only thing that’s gonna be greener.

Who in the Slip N Slide needs that much Baby Oil?

I once had a physical therapist who said “a fall is when you are on the floor but didn’t plan to be there.” I think about that a lot

My five-year plan is to scroll down to my birthdate.

Someone let me know when we’re all done describing things as “giving ___.”