Bitches love cheese danishes. It's me, I'm bitches

Aside from murder, what’s the purpose of duct tape

Just a casual stabbing, nothing formal.

Saying, “ohboyohboyohboyohboyohboy” the whole time during sex.

I bet every book you own is the 'For Dummies' version

I’ve been sending my husband some of my best jokes and he isn’t laughing at any of them. This is garbage.

Oh no, I have Freddy Mercury poisoning.

I love it when dudes that look like big toes try to call women 'mid'.

Before tequila: I hate everyone
After tequila: I still hate everyone, but I feel good about it

If I have to switch from the heat to the ac one more time this week, I’m pretty sure it’s going to open a portal to another dimension.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it's right there

Sorry I was late I was refilling my purse Ibuprofen with my bathroom Ibuprofen.

Have you ever had a near death experience?

Me:

I want to make bath bombs that look like miniature toasters.

you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

Welcome to Twitter: we’re the junk drawer of the internet.

I know my package won’t be here until Friday but I have to keep checking the tracking link just in case

My bank account may be empty but my plastic grocery bag drawer is full

No I can’t give you a ride home from work. That’s my 15 minutes to cry

Have you tried popping 300 feet of bubble wrap about it?