Dear people who fall asleep right away, what do you do with your soul.

Someone said the only people using Twitter on Friday nights are losers so congratulations everybody.

At my age half time = nap time.

Screw you guys , Golden Girls is on.

Monday: *makes Friday night plans*

Friday afternoon:

It’s not that Gen X thinks we’re better than other generations, it’s just that we don’t even care. Ask your mom.

I GOT MY STATE TAX REFUND GET DRESSED BABY WE'RE GOING TO WHITE CASTLE

*loses 1lb* OH I HAVE DEFINITELY EARNED A CHEESEBURGER

Sorry I’m late I have a Twitter account.

In my 20s: I survived wild parties with nothing to lose.

In my 40s: I survived driving in the rain.

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

Make sure you add a serious reply to someone’s joke on the internet today.

Sorry I’m late but there was cheese.

My mother said stop making jokes about OJ.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they think OJ Simpson was innocent.

Twitter during that Bronco chase would have been gold

Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up on someone. It was spectacular.