He’s pain medicine and I’m addicted. I wish I wasn’t.

My date just set my house on fire. Now I know why they call it Tinder.

Shhh. A white lady in the suburbs is teaching me about racism.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Men, what’s stopping you from looking like this??

Hello Monday, you are beautiful.

I misunderstood what a 'Clean and jerk' was at the gym. Long story short, can someone come bail me out?

Maybe she likes you; maybe it's just ovulation.

if you're not terrified of birds you should be

only pussies block me

I'd be a contestant on The Bachelor for the free food and cable TV.

Do the sign of the cross on her forehead with your dick. For Jesus.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Ordering a steak well done is like killing the cow twice.

DID IT REALLY put the lime in the coconut be for real

For a second there, I thought maybe OJ made a deathbed confession that finally came to light.

If I see one more person spell Israel as Isreal, I'm going to go crazy.

What's even crazier is the spellchecker on my phone doesn't correct Isreal.