Bill Walton was one of the most consequential players of his era. A Hall of Famer, Most Valuable Player, and two-time NBA Champion, Walton could do it all, possessing great timing, complete vision of the floor, excellent fundamentals, and was of one of the greatest passing big

Thank you Bill.
You were one of us.
Rest in Peace.

Hear me out, if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

Welcome to Twitter: you should be ashamed of yourself, just like the rest of us.

Welcome to your 40’s: you can eat one teaspoon of peanut butter or you can be thin, your choice.

gonna coach my weight lifting class tonight while eating chocolate cake straight out of the pan.

No one tells you that being a grown up is just wiping crumbs off of things for the rest of your life.

She died doing what she loved: wiping crumbs off of countertops.

Hello I’m 47, you might recognize me from such hits as why are there crumbs everywhere and who keeps shrinking my pants.

Sorry I asked if there would be an open bar a your kid’s preschool graduation party.

Nobody is more annoying than new couples in line at a theme park

Welcome to adulthood: you can do yardwork today or you can get out of bed tomorrow. Your choice.

[on my death bed]

Any last words?

Me: I’m still calling it Twitter.

I heard someone call Twitter the dumpster fire of the internet so congratulations everybody.

My son called the 90’s “the caveman days.” I need to lie down.

Gary Busey seems like he'd be so much fun at a barbecue.

Cargo shorts that hang above the knee and cargo shorts that hang below the knee are two very different things.

Who wants to sneak into Heaven and pet all the dogs with me