me: dating is hard

me on a date: pls tell me you know ratatouille isn’t the name of the rat

I once bought a $40 souvenir book from an art exhibit about anti-capitalism 📚

me: oh cool this concert is only $25

ticketmaster: bitch you thought

My wife's just sitting here eating chips and spicy salsa at 9 pm like she's young or something.

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

I know four people named Rudy. I’ve never met anyone who knows five.

Might just fuck around and admit we knew we had the good things, but those never seem to last. Oh, please just last.

Groceries have been getting so expensive I started buying 2-in-1 salad

When you're hungry and hear an ad for Nucala and think 'Good to know Nutella will help me breathe better'.

me: i can’t be bought!

also me when someone buys me an iced coffee: you’re my favorite now.

Do you believe that negative thoughts can lead to you getting sick?

Hop in the Camaro, we are shaking our ass to Whitesnake and drinking Zimas tonight, baby

When your college kid doesn’t get the classes they need during registration it can be a major problem. A minor one too.

Small unrecognizable emojis match my actual emotions perfectly.

Every day I’m thankful that my wife has terrible taste in men.

Me in my 20s: how much drugs is too much drugs?

Me in my 30s: can I overdose on ginger???

College bookstore: [selling protest signs at 400% markup] YOU NEED THESE FOR CLASS

Do you think anyone ever found Bobby McGee or is he still somewhere up near Salinas?

Scientists can’t explain it, but it’s impossible for women to pronounce “Mimosas” in a normal voice

Kids who’d always eat the corner piece of cake are all in jail now