Have a productive day!

bro even the guy taking this picture would be in danger

Little rehearsal for performance tonight

how the hell did thomas the train get kidnapped???

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

Yep, I smell a DOUCHECANOE

Sometimes I take my sleeping pill and my boner pill at the same time and just let big pharma decide how my night is gonna go.

I won’t even pretend to watch golf

Fun fact: tootsie rolls do not contain any tootsies

Pee my name in cursive into a dirty snowbank outside my favourite Tim Hortons
or gtfo

My washing machine claiming it only has 1 minute left is why I have trust issues

Took my meds without looking at them to add a little intrigue to the day

I once had a crush on a girl named Glenda. The 80s were fucking wild

Kicked off another flight for trying to start the 'give us a barrel roll!' chant

Me: I'm a big fan of a liquid lunch!

Co-Worker: I don't think you should be drinking during...

Me: *putting a burrito into the blender

'What?'

My kid came home with a pen mark on his head.

I asked how it happened and he told me he did it because he wanted to see what he looked like with dark hair, but knew it would take too long this way.

Later he told his brother it was time for Plan B.

GOOD GOD, WHAT IS PLAN B? 😭

Why do drive thru's have multiple lanes but still so slow getting you your food?
It's Economics 101: The slower they give you your food, the longer they have your money , the more money they can make in investments with your cash.
Corporations do that all the time.

People on diet aren't mad at you. They're mad at their lunch

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.