QT/Show me your glasses!

I’m technically leaving out a pair, but y’all have seen them before.

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

I literally just said that women are also people and this dude thinks I'm gonna steal his stuff LMAO

It's only a Kraft Single if it's made in the Kraft region of America. Otherwise it's just a cheese slice

Ecologist: we need to introduce wolves into the local population

Red Riding Hood: *drags cigarette* well. that's easy to say isn't it. it's easy to say until it's your family in the crosshairs. in the meat grinder

*packing my lunch for tomorrow and the sweet dulcet sound of Caress Me Down plays* Mucho gusto quiero broccoli i'm hungry for that can of baked beans.

Bluey referenced “mitochondria” and I immediately said to my 4yo “the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell” like a sleeper agent who just heard their activation phrase

My kid came home with a pen mark on his head.

I asked how it happened and he told me he did it because he wanted to see what he looked like with dark hair, but knew it would take too long this way.

Later he told his brother it was time for Plan B.

GOOD GOD, WHAT IS PLAN B? 😭

i can kill a cactus by just blinking wrong, yet i can’t stop accidentally growing onions from a mesh bag in a dark corner

you win some and you lose some and you lose some and you lose some and you lose some and you lose some and

Singing 'Oops...I Did It Again', but it's just about me eating my lunch before 10AM