[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

[getting behind the wheel of a car] ok back up

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

[getting behind the wheel of a car] ok back up

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

KID: Daddy, do you know what an eclipse is?

ME: No sun

HIM: Ok, I'll ask someone else

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

me: you look lovely

date: oh you're just saying that

me: yes that's how talking happens

[quietly pressing stethoscope onto safe door and listening] it's dead

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: *puts on smaller t-shirt*

carrot cake implies the existence of stick cake

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

great now my son is asking if we're having another eclipse today

he's 35

would i like to learn more about fecal impaction?
hard pass.

therapist: i’d like you to act more confident

me: ok [clears throat] i KNOW im the worst