[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

me: there's a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we're on a rollercoaster

[on my deathbed] could someone please hand me the remote

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

*pretending to get electrocuted while I shake his hand*

divorce lawyer: ah you again

Once all social media gets banned I'm gonna start peddling my jokes door to door

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

If I could be in two places at once, I'd be in bed twice.

[masturbation club]

ME: are you ok babe you’ve hardly touched yourself

How many chapsticks can you eat in a week

THIS IS UNSUSTAINABLE YOU FOOLS

coroner: it's natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo