“I'm worth it' I whisper as I take a multivitamin for the first time in weeks

If you tell me you hate a song, but it's one I enjoy, I'm morally obligated to tell you whenever I'm listening to it

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

Emails be like unsubscribe here and then they send you an email to tell you you’ve unsubscribed.

The first 45 years of a child's life are the most important to their physical and cognitive growth.

Operation Be Unloveable is a total fail

I rather live in a world of unfulfilled dreams than in a reality with no hope

But do you smile out loud when you think of me?

I am the Chuck Woolery of Twitter.

If I don’t have something nice to say, I turn my mean into a joke and say it anyway.

My dog thinks it’s ridiculously rude that just anyone thinks they can walk past my house.

I don't wanna brag but every other week for a brief couple days, I'm a multi-thousandaire.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

Are there any plans to put a 5th prong on forks? I really need it sometimes and don’t want to buy more 4 pronged forks if they’re about to upgrade.

Imagine DMing me because of my pervy tweets then finding out I'm just the biggest fucking nerd like 90% of the time

The sexiest thing a man can do is give me the reassurance I need without being asked

The moon landing wasn't fake, silly, there is no moon

Stimulate my tympanic membrane and satisfy my aural fixation

I'd cuddle the fuck out of you, Motherfucker

I hope that my absence in your life provides you with the peace that my love never could