if engagement farming is a crime then lock me the heck up! (i am slated to be married to many different people)

professor x: what's your superpower

me: i can turn anything into a really horrible format

professor look between z and c on your keyboard: holy shit

WRECKING BALL IS BACK

I now exclusively tweet content for myself and my little sister. Very sorry to the other 21000 of you

Fixing Benjamin

i'm not crazy i'm just a little impaired
i know right now i'm impaired
but soon enough you're gonna think of me and how i'm impaired

*mouthful of soap* it’s britney ma’am

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

Rebirth is mind-blowingly good

any other communities still playin a lot of among us out there?

[having an advanced understanding of grammar] knees weak, mom is spaghetti

░L░I░N░K░I░N░ ░P░A░R░K░

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

Hi all, unfortunately my grandmother has slipped into a coma. And the odds are not looking great right now. My family is struggling. Anything helps. Ilysm gofund.me/7a3ea6f5

i don't know how to explain this but the 'maybe' in call me maybe and the 'lol' i put at the end of every serious statement are the exact same thing

why don’t little kids ever tear their acl they run dumb as fuck

hoobastank? certainly not me, i ba using deoderant

the hawks are winning by 15. but it is almost. dean wade time

dove is literally not soap it’s fake it’s fauxp