girth master sounds like something I’d buy off of late night tv from chuck norris

texting my wife to ask what the chemical symbol for potassium is and then typing “can I sleep with your sister” really fast when I see her bubbles pop up

At least umps are consistent

Caught him looking at X-rays again

I actually have a tiny little bit of a theory that the increase in autism is at least partly due to vaccines...but not for the reasons anybody thinks.

(Spoiler alert for anyone getting scared at this point: vaccines don't cause autism, vaccines cause adults.)

ok but who cuts the barber’s hair???

her: i’ll have the salad, no nuts, please

waiter: of course

me: it didn’t say it had nuts

her: i’m allergic, so I tell them to be safe

me: that makes sense

waiter: and for you?

me: steak, no bees, please

Rear Window is such a great film. My neighbour across the street watches it all the time.

the guys in the p.o.v. porn videos are gonna start needing smaller dicks if u want me to buy in completely

Editor: ok we’re going to move ahead with kama sutra and not….what was it matt suggested again?

Me: *looking down and mumbling*

Everybody you meet is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Attack them. Now they’re fighting two battles

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

i will say one thing about this the silhouette looks kind of like a rotisserie chicken