Getting ordained so I never have to testify against any of you

A dry wedding is just like a regular wedding but with no reason to be there

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

Every Gen Xer has a childhood war story about getting stabbed with a pencil and the tip broke off

friends don’t let friends start podcasts

Took my cat to the vet and now he’s psspsspissed at me

Welcome to adulthood: being tired and being awake are the same thing.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress.

“You’re not entirely wrong.”

- Me refusing to admit my husband was right

I didn't feel like cooking, so I told my husband the water will be off in our building until 8:00 PM, so we’ll have to go out to dinner tonight. Lies are totally acceptable when they include margaritas.

You can't hurt me. You're not my general assumption that most people are decent and kind.

Capturing my husband‘s attention is easy, I just refer to a screwdriver as a wrench.

Secret Whole Body Deodorant is just Axe for women.

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

The fight started when they replaced the restaurant's regular coffee with Folger's Crystals.

the portal i built to connect drunk new yorkers with drunk irish people is being misused

i always respond with 'i know' when someone says 'it’s nice to see you” because i think it's only polite to acknowledge their good fortune

8pm brain: i'm sooo tired, man!
2am brain: psst... so if we had a hummingbird and a mockingbird, do we really now have 2 hummingbirds?

I was more afraid of piranhas growing up than I probably should have been.